One Step Forward, Two Steps Backward

I took a spill, before my trip, I tripped -currently I'm in Recovery

I am writing injured this week. Saturday I took a spill down some steps and am currently in a temporary cast at home awaiting surgery. I broke my fibula and ankle. I don’t know if there’s much of a story to my first broken bones. It was a casual dinner party in the Berkeley Hills, people were chatting, I just had my haircut, and went to the Albany Bulb. The weather and the view were amazing. My Childhood friends Nick and Adam were there. Nick made sweet potato pancakes and I took a picture with my two friends (going back to when we were 13). I felt a warm sense of belonging having known them for so long. I was chatting with a few of the guests, it was a nice little cozy vibe in there. Then I went to the kitchen up three steps to talk to who was there. And coming down, my feet slipped out in front of me, slippery socks on wood. My right leg got trapped under my weight and I felt a pop in my leg. I lay there, there was no jumping up from this one. I could barely move, my right foot was numb, like dead weight swelling up. Nick and Adam were right there hovering over me the whole time, both having injuries from rock climbing, surfing, and skating. Adam drove me to the ER and stayed with me the whole time, adding his own experience about having his broken fibula (same foot). Driving to the hospital he put on Jazz, from the same station I used to work at, KCSM, I was focusing on my breath in trying to calm myself. At the ER being wheeled around unable to walk, reminded me of my friend Neil Marcus who had Dystonia and whom I wheeled around as his friend and attendant from time to time. Now I was the one in the wheelchair, noticing how little control you have when someone else is pushing you. The hospital staff saw me right away, Nick had packed us some leftovers for a potentially long time in the waiting room. During the CT Scan, I flashed to my parents, how I was going to call them and let them know what had happened, and how lucky I was to have them. The whole experience taught me how fortunate I am to have friends, family, and health insurance in my area.

After two days of staying home limited by crutches, but visited by friends like Mario, Shosh, and Dana, bringing over food. On Day 3 I shot for the moon and left the house for a doctor’s appointment, with rides there by Eli, and rides home by Shosh. The doctors hovered around me and told me how bad my ankle was. There was a shock seeing my x-ray. When I got home I gave myself a few minutes (30-second rule) to wallow in self-pity after seeing the x-ray and realizing how back I broke myself and what I needed to do to get better. Then I moved on. I ordered a Knee Scooter and it came in 5h express. I got it delivered downstairs and managed to get it inside and then assembled it. I was overwhelmed with pride that I could assemble my scooter on one leg. The first thing I did was take a shower. I hadn’t bathed in 3 days and I reeaked. So much so that I was embarrassed to be seen by the doctors. I took off my jacket in the x-ray room, and the woman behind me choked on her breath. I hadn’t figured out how to take a shower yet. My burning question was: How Do I take off my pants? There’s a thick soft cast on my right leg, how do I get out of it? I got out of the left leg of my pants and used a kitchen knife to cut myself out of my undies. The experience was like a 2nd birth. I wrapped the cast in my pants and put a trash bag over it and used the knee scooter as a chair in the shower. Water on the skin with soap and a towel is an exhilarating feeling that awakes the senses. When showering every day, you forget how good it feels. I felt amazing, I changed, the joy of fresh undies. Now I was clean and on my knee scooter looking like a model disabled person. 

The road to recovery is long. The days to have moments of defeat, triumph, pain, and elation. I’m going to continue journaling about this in another section keeping a recovery diary while not letting it consume the whole weekly cannon. I’ve got some long-form writing that I’ll be refining and bringing out over the next couple of weeks. I’ll be out of commission physically for a while, but one of the silver linings is that it’s made me double down on my writing. I have some lofty goals as a creative this next year when I can’t move my focus to do something that occupies my time. I’m only on day 4 of this journey, completing the daily mental exercise of jotting this note. Feel free to reach out as the time progresses. Yours from the couch, leg elevated in the same pair of pants, but new undies, moving slow.

  -J.dub   

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